Having just been told by my therapist that I no longer meet the diagnosis for an anxiety disorder you would think that I would be excited and overwhelmed. Rather, I don’t know how I feel. In fact it is a combination of juxtaposing emotions that undoubtably don’t make sense. However, when you look at my journey to recovery it seems more coherent that I don’t understand or know how to react.
Having been diagnosed and subsequently labelled as an individual with an anxiety disorder since I was age 11, people who are close to me and particularly myself adapted to accommodate this disorder. Safety behaviours became concrete in my daily routine and certain events were avoided as a preventative measure of relapse or simply a panic attack. As a consequence, life without an anxiety disorder became hard to imagine or even believe was possible. In fact, it was the accommodation of the anxiety disorder which propelled and maintained the existence of anxious thoughts. Without change, life beyond anxiety would cease to exist.
Anxiety had become such a massive part of my identity. I didn’t know who Lucy was without anxiety and I couldn’t remember a Lucy without anxiety. ‘Friends’ would sarcastically and condescendingly joke “oh Lucy can you imagine doing that?” in response to something as mundane as getting on a packed bus (not very helpful comments really). It’s not surprising that having held the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder for 9 years, that it had become so embedded in my life. However, life beyond anxiety starts now.
In January of 2019, I went back on medication following a massive relapse. My relapse was not without a trigger, as my Dad was recovering from cancer. I had never felt so out of control. I couldn’t leave the house, I struggled to leave my room at uni, I couldn’t see my friends in fear of having a panic attack and eating became extremely difficult. I truly had hit rockbottom. However, just as quickly as I declined, I seemed to recover. Within a couple of months I attended a concert and was able to use the train to get home from university in Bath (two things I have always struggled with). This summer I have had an operation (I don’t like needles so this was pretty huge), completed work experience (and loved it), gone to the theatre in London, attended another concert and travelled without parents all whilst feeling more relaxed than ever. This recovery has happened so fast and is proof that as quickly as you can decline, you can recover.
In this season of recovery I haven’t necessarily utilised specific strategies and techniques. It’s just been about altering my anxious beliefs. I have worked with a therapist who has helped me separate my values from my anxious thoughts and taught me to override those anxious thoughts using what I value most. Ultimately, through challenging myself and incrementally stepping outside of my comfort zone my confidence grew and allowed me to get to where I am today. **I hope to use this blog to help others struggling with anxiety by sharing tips I have discovered in my recovery so stay tuned for more posts on this.
I guess because it was a combination of things rather than a specific strategy aiding my recovery that it surprised me that I no longer met the criteria for an anxiety disorder. My relapse was so quick but so was my recovery. The extreme irregularity of emotions is hard to comprehend and I’m almost in disbelief that who I am today is so very different from the Lucy in January. Some part of me still questions my recovery and just thinks it’s due to luck but this is something I’m still working on.
It should also be noted, that it’s not to say I won’t ever feel anxious again or never have a panic attack but as of right now I no longer need to label myself as an individual with an anxiety disorder. Labels can be useful and at one point it was useful to recognise and acknowledge my anxiety disorder. However, moving forward it is essential I begin to discover who Lucy is separate to anxiety.
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